I’ve been trying to come up with something to say on here for the past few weeks, but I just haven’t been able to put words to my thoughts. I thought my life was starting to settle down, but little did I really know. Again my life has been turned upside down and back up again. I still don’t know if I can really explain all that has gone on in the past month, or how I have felt through it all. I’ll just leave it by saying that you never really know where your life going, or what twists and turns there will be along the way.
Although it has been a hard couple of months, I have learned more about myself and my relationships than I have in the past 21 years. I have started to figure out some of the things that explain why I am how I am. I’m not gonna lie, It’s been less than a pleasant process. It has hurt more deeply than anything before, but it is something that has to happen. So many things in the past four years have impacted my life more than I have really understood. I’m just starting to discover how these things have shaped me, and what things I need to do to learn as much as I can from it.
At this point, I have no idea what I’m trying to say with this blog post. I don’t really have any point I’m trying to get across, or arguing a point of any kind. I’m just trying to get these thoughts out of my head and into words that hopefully form some kind of coherent sentences. Bear with me as I try to figure out what I’m trying to say.
I think one of the biggest things I’ve struggled with in the past few months is the fear of having to justify the decisions that I have made. I’m always trying to come up with explanations in my head that I can use to convince people that my decision is the right one. This is not only tiring, but it is more stressful than making the decision in the first place. Who the heck am I trying to convince? Why am I trying to convince them? The choice is mine, I am the one who has to live with it, and no one else’s opinion should really matter in the end run. Yes, peoples’ opinions and advice mean more to me than anything. I’m not at all saying that I do not value it, I just need to stop making decisions according to how people may react to it. If I feel like i’m doing the right thing, than that is what I should be doing. Trying to make decisions to please others is just going to cause me more stress, and could ultimately cause me to make the wrong choice.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to please everyone else. It’s not necessarily because I want people to like me, it’s more that I want people to be happy. I want to make their lives as easy and pleasant as possible, and therefore make decisions that make their lives easier. This isn’t always a bad thing, but it ends up putting a lot of pressure and stress on me when I have to make every decision in this way. I’m awful at saying no when people ask me to do something or to help out. I love helping, but I will still say yes even if I’m at the end of my rope and have things piled far too high. It is so hard changing the way you make decisions when this is all you’ve ever know. I’ve been trying to work on a way to make decisions for myself while still keeping in mind the impact it has on others.
I just need to remember the fact that no matter what people think, no matter how people react, as long as I am making decisions according to God’s will for me life, everything will turn out just fine. When no one is on my side or when everyone believe’s I’m going the wrong way, I need to remind myself that God will always be there. As I’m sure I’ve mentioned before, I tend to listen to one song over and over again until I can listen no more. This past week it has been “Be Still” off of The Fray’s new album. It is a beautiful song that has a simple piano melody that just holds your heart. The most captivating line says: “If no one is standing beside you, be still and know I am.” He will always be there. Sometimes I just need to take a few deep breaths, clear my head, and just know that he is standing right beside me. He isn’t a God who watches us struggle. He is there holding our hands while we take one baby step at a time. When you’re feeling overwhelmed or alone, just be still and know that He’s there.