you say

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Unexpected.

A theme I’ve been living out for the last 7 years of my life.

Just when I think things are “calming down” or “settling in”, I find change and growth just on the other side of the same breath.

Since moving to California 3 years ago, I’ve found myself creating roots. Roots deeper than I’ve experienced in my adult life. I made the big move, walked through months of adjustments, and settled into a life and job that from the outside, stood in line with where I “should be” in life.

I had the 9-5 job.
I was working in the field I went to school for.
I had benefits and a steady income.

And I was miserable.

Now, I will 100% admit that I learned more in that season than I ever expected. I learned a lot about myself, about management styles, about persevering when you feel like throwing in the towel. I never want to disvalue the time I invested, the relationships I built, or the skills I learned (personally and professionally). But, when push came to shove, I knew it was time to move on.

So, I did what any rational, calculated millennial would do – I quit without knowing where I would land next.

It’s that feeling deep in your gut, in the midst of turmoil and uncertainty, that you are making the right decision. No matter what other people think. What they expect. What they believe is “right”. By all means, let people speak  wisdom and encouragement into your situation, but at the end of the day trust what you know and stick to it. As hard as that can be.

That was 8 months ago.

And I don’t regret my decision for a second.

By the world’s standards, I’ve stepped outside of my experience, and moved “backwards”. But in reality, I’m happier and more content than I’ve ever been. Even in the midst of growth and discomfort.

It’s funny, when people ask me where I’m working, I automatically feel the need to rationalize why I’m working where I am. As if I somehow have to validate my decision to step away from what I’ve known for the last 7 years of my life. As if my worth and success rests in their hands, in their opinions. And let’s be clear, most people don’t expect that explanation, or need reasoning for my decisions. It’s something I feel as though I need to offer to them, to “explain myself”.

We are so good at living into what others expect of us. Or rather, what we think they expect of us. We try to be what others want us to be, instead of what we are meant to be. Who we are meant to be.

I need to be reminded daily that my worth is not in what I do, how well I perform my job, or what milestones I’m meeting. My worth is in who I was created to be. 

I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I’m not enough
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up
Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low?
Remind me once again just who I am, because I need to know
You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours
– You Say by Lauren Daigle
So, here’s to being enough. To fighting the voices in our minds that somehow convince us that we aren’t enough. To believing we are strong and loved, worthy of belonging. Let us work hard and strive for greatness, but remember that we are worthy even if we fall short.
Unexpected. 
Lean into the unexpected. You never know what joy you’ll find in the journey.
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